Never mistake a “hockey league for people who have never played hockey before” for a “hockey league for people who have never skated before.” Concussions ensue. During my ill-advised attempt at athleticism, I was struck by one question in particular: If we padded up a morbidly obese fat guy and shoved him in the goal, could he block every shot? How fat would a hockey goalie need to be to completely block the goal?
Consider a cylindrical goalie.1 Since an official NHL hockey goal is 4 ft tall and 6 ft wide, a 6.0 ft tall goalie would be more than tall enough to cover the top of the goal. To span the width, he must have a minimum radius of 3.0 ft. Using the formula for the volume of a cylinder, we can estimate his total volume,
volume = π · (radius)2 · (height)
= 3.14159 · (3.0 ft)2 · (6.0 ft)
= 4.8 m3 (~170 ft3).
Some people can float in water while others sink2, so our bodies must have a density close to that of water, roughly 1.0 g/cm3. From this, we can compute his total mass,
mass = (density) · (volume)
= (1.0 g/cm3) · (4.8 m3)
= 4,800 kg.
At over 5 tons, our heavyweight would need to weigh about eight times more than the world’s largest man.
 Something about this statement makes me extraordinarily happy.
 This guy would probably float.